tonight i made a wish.

my mom left yesterday. but it's not that simple. she left her credit card & fifty dollars but took all her clothes. i call my daddy but he is too busy working & asks me to call later. tonight he will go home to his new wife & my brother. i will go home to tom & jerry (our goldfish) i don't know how mothers must feel when they have to abandon their babies. but i never thought of how the baby felt. i am the baby. i'm sure she'll be back but until she returns i’m having the hardest time. it seems like everything is going wrong. and i know sobbing doesn't help but i can't help it. there have been times when i wanted to leave her but i never did it. cos i love her with all my heart & that's why i choose a college in NJ & that's why i'm not dorming cos i can't stand to be away from her. but. she has left me. it just makes me wonder how she feels about me?

*names have been changed for privacy reasons*

I'm laying here in Marble's bed watching T.V with him & texting Camera. Marble obviously isn't happy about that and neither am I. As much as it pains me to say this, I think that honestly- i'd rather be with Camera.(lol using object names is hilarious) I know that this feeling is temporary. Eventually we will grow apart.

Marble- i tell him about my mother & he responds by saying it's cos she doesn't like you. i hate him with every bone in my body. it has already started. he knows I don't feel the same as I did the day he asked me out two years ago. i feel horrible. but i shouldn't. there have been multiple occasions where i should've ended it for good. one time i actually left but came running back a month later. he should be lucky that i'm able to forgive. he asks me if i am ready to go home. i get up & put my shoes on. i go into the living room to say good night to his parents & they have fallen asleep on the sofa. after two years there will be no goodbye's tonight. we walk down the steps & out the door in silence. i look up at the one star in the sky, maybe it is a helicopter but i still make that wish. i can not tell you that wish cos there is a chance it won't come true. down the driveway. silence. at a red light. silence. it's happening tonight. two years of young love will be washed away. "can you stop typing for one ******* moment?!" he shouts at me. i am silent. not because i am scared but because if i open my mouth i will scream. at those screams will turn into tears. i do not want to cry. i continue to type. he holds my hand the way he always does when he's driving. in the passenger seat i slowly begin to weep. he has been my life since i moved here. but when he leaves my life will not end. we've been through hell together & we always made it out together. not matter how difficult. but i'm sick & tired of being sick & tired. until tonight i didn't know the difference between comfort and love.

Camera- i've really gotten beside myself on this one. i know that i've bought a one-way ticket to nowhere. i know that boarding this train of 'friendship that one day might become something else' was foolish. still i got on. i knew that the train was speeding. but did i pull the break? no. did i yell for the conductor to slow down? no. i sat in my seat & giggled. like girls sometimes do. one of the many things that makes me wish 'the over-emotional' circuit in my brain was dead. honestly i know that i jump the gun. i over analyze way too much & sometimes think wayy too less. *sigh* another one of those girl things i do too often is ramble lol. anyway, i grew a feeling of liking to this fellow once before. it was some months ago. i don't quite remember who pushed him out the picture but now he's back in it. and i know he's going to read this which makes it soo much harder to write how i truly feel. c'mon seriously, some girl that you met over the net, constantly texts you, then dedicates a huge part of a blog to the way she fell head over heels for you but she knows the feeling isn't totally mutual has to raise a couple of red flags lol i am scared to continue. scared that you'll read this & shit will get too awkward to fix. but fuck it. it's always like this in the beginning right? everything is groovy, laughing all the time & shit like that. but shit happens right? who was the genius that said all good things must come to an end. right now i like you. way more than i should. i know that. but i keep riding the train. who knows? MAYBE this will actually go somewhere but then after two years, what happens?

--i put myself in this hole then i start to fill it up with dirt before i can get out. my thoughts are all over the place. i don't know how. i. feel. i think? oh & i go to feed the fish. jerry is dead. summer 09 <3

summer 09.

i was gonna start this blog with stating the obvious, which is i haven't blogged in forever! but eh, there's no point in that. ha ha. now, it wasn't like i forget or got really busy; it's jus i figured there were soo many other thing i could do instead of working the keyboard. and for the past couple of moths that's what i've been doing. life is good. so now you're probably wondering why have i returned if life is 'os so good' & the reason is quite simple. i have gotten so wrapped up in multiple projects that i rarely have a moment for myself. at times i enjoyed always doing something, it sure beats sitting home watching movies alone & stuff like that. but there were times when i wanted everyone to just go away. when uncle andre passed away i still had a schedule, still had errands, still had to keep promises to people but i couldn't. *to those of you i left hanging, i apologize. no, that's not honest because i have yet to re-schedule, i have been avoiding your calls because when you called a week ago i threw my phone against the wall. that wasn't right.* i don't know how many days it's been since his accident (because i refuse to keep count & i can barely believe it) but i am back into my old ways. planning activities, driving thirty mins to chill in north newark with my cousins a.k.a my goons <3, going out of my way to drop people off, dancing & singing in the blooms with more cousins. never having a minute for myself. but why should i? all those things are fun, i enjoy spending time with family & friends. i like meeting new people, laughing too loud & hard until my tummy hurts, blasting music & speeding down the street. i love life. uncle andre's passing made me realize not to be stingy with time cos tomorrrow is not promised & if i never have another moment to myself, that's okay. cos i'm having a moment with someone i love. someone i like. someone i just met. someone who's missing out on their own private moment to be with me.

uncle andre ; gone but not forgotten. ily. hoodsharks forever.

written April 21st, 2009

You know how you see that kid in the back of you're english or history class with the black hoodie on, headphones blaring, jeans with holes, and head down. Yeah the one that you fear will put you on his hit list if you're not nice enough to him. Well today I am that kid. No black hoodie but a green Montclair State shirt t-shirt instead. Regular blue jeans, somewhat faded. Headphones in place; they drown out the noise. Yearbook club holds some of thee rudest people you could ever imagine. Including the teacher. Immature pricks that get their laughs from obscene comments made about each other and those around them. Pitiful. A constant reminder of why I admire that kid in the back of the class.

written April 8th, 2009

I'm having another one of those days. Tom woke up half of an hour ago and if I had my phone he'll prob be able to make me smile. But I want, I need to be able to make my ownself happy. Last night I was happy. When he left I was sad and cold. I felt all alone. I know that I can not live without Matthew. No matter how many Jon's, Tom's or Brian's come into view Matthew is the only guy that I love. The only one who makes me happy all the time. Even when I can't be happy for myself, he is. So even though I'm having a FTW day, I have a reason to smile, something to look forward to. A pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. A perfect ending to a not so perfect day.

written April 6th, 2009

To whom It may concern,
Today my patience is espicially thin. The level of tolerance for ignorance is dangerously low. Frustration is radiating in my heels, making it hard to walk. I know it's not healthy. I'm on the verge of a breakdown. Yes this is a cry for help. McMahon just made a monkey face and it's the first time I've genuinely smiled since last night. Deep breaths and count numbers until you forget why you had to count. It's not working. Excuse me sir can I be excused? Why? Ok thanks. Up & out the door. Free. I know I'll be called to the principals office for just leaving but Denise will understand. Cold air filling my lungs, lighting my cancer stick. Oh cruel cruel world of sweet peace, take me now.
P.S I hate this feeling.

times flies by.

hey guys. i know i've been kinda outta the loop for a while but don't worry i'll post what you guys missed. as soon as i'm done writing this. things have just been going all fizzy bubbly for me. as senior year dwindles away there is so much crap that i've been having to do with preparing for the real world & ending high school with a bang. my apologies for the wait. promise to keep you posted ; <3 picasso.*

writer's block.

so i sat down at my laptop & logged on. but then i was faced with a problem, i had no idea what to write about.

i could talk about this amazing guy but we all know i'm a hopeless romantic?, a sucker?, naive?, vulnerable? whatever. at this moment, in my eyes, he is amazing. maybe i'll be proven wrong over time but whatever. life goes on. i'm going to live in the present & watch as the start to this beautiful friendship blossoms. (why do people always compare stuff to flowers?)

i could talk about how JAM is on a rocky highway with merging lanes everywhere. gosh, even thinking about it turns my stomach. JAM is abbreviation for Jazmin (a.k.a tiffle), Asya & Mitchell. Jaz & Mitchie are going through something now & i feel like the kid in the middle of a bitter divorce. shit, my eyes are tearing as i write this. divorce hurts, bro. & that's all i have to say about that.

i could talk about how this morning the guy in charge of printing the school newspaper decided not to print the seven hundred copies i needed by 8:05am because his partner decided to mark up the the things that didn't make sense. YOU FUCKING IDIOT, IT'S AN APRIL FOOLS ISSUE! shit isn't supposed to make sense. bottom line, i took a lot more running around for me to do. btw, i was throwing a party for McMahon at the same time. unnecessary stress.

i could talk about my upcoming trip to Connecticut to visit my little brother.
Mehki, thank you for loving me when i was a bitch to you cos of the shit that was going on with me and daddy. ha ha, this is totally pointless cos you're three years old and you can't read but i continue anyway. Before you were even born, shit happened between me & pops that i'll never forgive him for. and before you came into my life i was unwilling to even talk to him about anything. everytime i forgave him, he hurt me again. he hurt me so bad little bro. i changed as a person.i dropped the family name. i was just protecting myself from furthing aching. when i found out you were in the womb, nothing changed. i still didn't care too much when you were born. it was the day i called grandma on the phone & you were pulling the phone cord begging to speak to your sister. looking back i realize how stupid i was. i don't know if tears of sadness or joy in the wells of my eyes now but it doesn't matter. i apologize for letting my rage for our father affect our relationship. thank you for being willing to allow me in your life after all i've missed. after i left you hanging so many times. divorce hurts, bro. & that's all i have to say about that.

"i know you don't see me,
Except for holidays.
My schedule gets crazy
I just can't see the air
Of my selfish ways

I'm sure you could've used a friend
You were too young to deal with divorce
But love is just taking its course
Yeah I know I never taught you anything at all
But I'll start by saying, "it's not your fault." -half brother by the spill canvas.

i could talk about how i didn't know what to talk about & now i'm all talked out. i've shared enough. good night.